My first experiences of depression

I was 19 when I was first diagnosed with Clinical Depression and was in my second year of University.  At the time I didn’t quite understand what was happening to me; I was feeling isolated from everyone and the world around me.  This gradual feeling kept on getting worse, where I no longer enjoyed anything that life had to offer.  I kept thinking to myself that this was meant to be the best time of my life; everyone around me were enjoying their time at university except me.

These feelings eventually got much more intense over time.  I stopped going out and wanted to shut myself away from the world.  I kept feeling guilty of why I was feeling like this and tried to ignore it.  Eventually it got too much and I started feeling suicidal.

I remember the doctor asking me my symptoms and if anything traumatic had happened to me.  I was in tears, shaking my head and truly believed that I was a burden to everyone.  It was a relief when I was diagnosed with depression in one way – there was a name to what I had, although I didn’t know anything about it at the time. At 19 and bewildered by this diagnosis, I was determined that I would not go on antidepressants and that I would face this alone and try to battle it.

 

Fast forward 12 years, and I am still battling but have recently learnt that you cannot fight depression: it’s exhausting!  Plus, you will lose.  After all this time, I have learnt to surrender to it.  This is not something that will go away for me, but I now know (and I have learnt some very hard lessons) that it can be controlled.

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